Even at Your Darkest Read online

  It doesn’t take me long to get home, and when I get to the top of the stairs, I offer a distracted wave to Kane and Nolan in the hallway and walk into my apartment through the wide-open door. It’s been a few days since they fixed the AC and now they have it in their heads to fix everything else, so coming home to them both in my apartment isn’t new.

  I vaguely notice that the window of my living room is missing and only sigh before moving my way down to the bathroom. I start the water on the bath and pour an excessive amount of foam into it. Regardless of who is walking in and out of my apartment, I want a bubble bath and I’m going to damn well have one. I don’t even care anymore.

  Stripping off my clothes in the bedroom, I toss them into the laundry hamper, and tie my hair up in a messy bun on top of my head. I’m not dealing with the headache of washing it tonight. I shrug on my old robe and walk back into the kitchen to make myself a drink. I fill a mug with milk and put it in the microwave to heat up, then crouch down to reach into the back of the cupboard for my secret stash of cocoa. When my fingers grasp around it, I let out an excited squeal. I pull it out and slap it onto the side, feeling triumphant.

  “Excited much?”

  I startle from the voice behind me and turn to see Kane with a smirk on his face. God, he’s beautiful. How can someone so angry all the time look like that? It shouldn’t be fair. How long has he been standing there? Why does he never make a noise? These are all questions I will never get an answer to.

  I smile tightly, unable to find any words, and turn back when the microwave signals that my drink is ready. I ignore his chuckle and pull the mug out and spoon in some heaps of cocoa and sugar, stir and put it back in to warm up more.

  I feel Kane move behind me and close my eyes as he reaches around me to grab his keys which are on the counter.

  “Sorry,” I mumble, and attempt to move.

  He stops me by placing a hand on my hip to hold me in place. I don’t think I’m even breathing right now. All I can feel is him, behind me, his scent overpowering me. The half a second he holds me for lasts a lifetime, and a million thoughts I definitely shouldn’t be having run through my mind.

  “Enjoy your bath, sweetheart,” he whispers into my ear.

  Too soon, he moves out the room, but I stay, staring at the wall in front of me. I hate that he does this to me, hate the way he makes me feel prickly all over, and I hate the way he completely commands my body whenever he’s close. What I really despise though, is the way he does all of that and then does nothing with it. I groan in frustration and grab my mug from the microwave. In a nervous daze, I walk back to the bathroom and lock myself in. I place my mug on the small shelf over the bath and drop my robe, shutting off the water and climbing in to the bubbles. I hiss at the heat of the water, but force myself to sink lower, grabbing the mug off the shelf and sipping.

  Soaking, I let go of the day.

  Banging from the hallway causes me to groan.

  I only wish I could let go of the illicit thoughts of my neighbor.

  I don’t know why I’m so attracted to him, it’s not like he’s a nice guy. And apart from the night he spent here with his friend fixing my AC, we haven’t had much interaction. It doesn’t make sense, and I’m fully blaming the fact that I’m overworked and probably losing my mind, on why I’m becoming obsessed. Thinking about Kane and what I’d like Kane to do to me, has become a distraction from thinking about what reality is like. Still, it’s probably not healthy.

  I drink more of my cocoa, sighing as it warms me inside.

  No, definitely not healthy. But there’s no harm in fantasizing, right?

  Kane

  “Ma, please.”

  I drop my head onto the table and groan. She hasn’t let up since I walked through the door, and all I want to do is relax. It’s been a long day, I really don’t need this shit.

  “Quit your sass, Kane. You were supposed to be here by six. It’s after seven now. If you can’t be on time for your own mother, then how are you going to keep a woman happy?”

  I look up at her and give her what I hope is a forgivable smile. “What do I need a woman for when I’ve got you to kick my ass every day?”

  I see the smile before she can fight it back and know I’ve won her over. Home is the only place I can be comfortable, mostly because Ma wouldn’t stand for me moping around. Without warning, I jump up from the couch and haul her up. She laughs and hits my shoulders. I put her carefully back on her feet and kiss her hair. “I’m sorry, Ma. I got caught up at the shop and then the traffic was a mess.”

  She shakes her head. “What am I going to do with you, Son?” She laughs. “Come on, sit down. I’ll get your dinner.”

  I follow her, swallowing the bad taste in my mouth from lying to her. The truth is, I wasn’t going to come. Today marks the third anniversary of my brother’s death, and with me being the reason for that death, I wasn’t sure being around Ma was a good idea. Only her and I know what really happened that night, know how fucked up things got. Sure, people speculated, the cops definitely did. But with Ma saying I wasn’t at the house that night and that it was just her and Tommy, there wasn’t a lot they could do. They couldn’t prove anything, and so Ma and I promised to take it to the grave. And I promised to never let her down. Which is why I’m here, making sure she isn’t going through this alone.

  I frown now as I watch her busying herself in the kitchen with dinner, feeling guilty for her being alone now that I’ve moved out. I know she has friends—she’s always doing something for somebody—but when the sun goes down it’s just her and her thoughts. I know how that is, know how suffocating it can be. Standing from the table, I walk over to her in the kitchen, taking the casserole dish out of her hands and putting it on the counter. I pull her into me and hug her, pressing her head against my chest. She relaxes against me, squeezing tight.

  “Go sit down,” I tell her. “I’ll bring this over.”

  She pulls back from me and smiles sadly. “You’re a good boy, Kane, always have been.”

  She pats my chest and then moves away to the table. I release a shaky breath and get the stuff for dinner, carrying it over to her. She smiles when I drop into the seat opposite her. “I have something to tell you.”

  Oh Lord.

  “Yeah?” I ask, scooping food onto my plate.

  She nods. “Now, before I do, you remember that I’m your mother and I raised you from small to grown and so I won’t stand for any nonsense from you.”

  I narrow my eyes on her, but she barely flinches. I don’t know why I even try, I learned all of my intimidation from her.

  “Go on.”

  “I won’t be making our usual Tuesday night dinner next week; you’ll have to come Wednesday. I have plans.” She smiles, almost wickedly. “I have a date.”

  I choke a little on my food and have to take a gulp of water to get it down. “You have a what?”

  “A date,” she smirks. “You should try it sometime.”

  “With who?”

  “Well, I don’t know who you can go on a date with. I mean, if you’re struggling, I can probably find a nice girl from church you can take out.”

  “Ma, I mean you.”

  “Oh,” she laughs, “Colin.”

  Ah. So, he finally asked her then. I nod my head. “Okay,” I smirk back at her, “But I want you home by eleven, young lady.”

  She tosses a bread roll from the basket at me. “Behave.”

  I help clear up after dinner and watch a movie with her before leaving her to get herself ready for bed. I climb into the truck and head in the direction of home. On a last thought, I U-turn and drive through the town I grew up in, to the cemetery. With my heart beating wildly, I walk to the back and stare at the marble slab bearing my brother’s name. From the fresh flowers around the grave, I know my mom has been here today.

  “Jackass,” I mutter, hating him and missing him all at the same time. “Even after what you did, she’s still grieving for you.”
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br />   I shake my head, annoyed to be finding myself here and talking to an empty space. I reach into my pocket, pulling out the spare key to the shop I had cut. I bend and place it in front of the slab.

  “Had to do all the work myself because of you. No change there, bro.” I place my hand on the top of the marble for a second. “It should have been him, not you.”

  I walk away, kicking myself for even bothering to come. What help was this? All it has done is made me feel worse than I already did. Fucking asshole. He should be here, so I could kick his ass and get him clean, so I could force him away from our shit-head father and fix him; so I could pick his stupid ass back up like I always had done. But instead, he’s in the ground and that hunk of shit is nowhere to be seen. I climb into the truck and grip the steering wheel, growling out my frustration. I start the engine and drive home, letting the guilt and the anger consume me.

  When I make it back to the building, I take the stairs two at a time to the top. I look over to Layton’s door for a second, contemplating losing myself in her tonight, but shake off the thought. As delicious as I’m sure she is, I can’t do that to her.

  I push myself into my apartment and head straight into the bedroom. I change quickly and then head straight back out of the door. I walk out of the building and down the road to a bar I’ve found myself in more times that I should have. It’s a dive, but it’s perfect for when I just want to forget.

  Grabbing myself a stool at the bar, I order a neat whiskey, catching the eye of a brunette further down the bar. I have three more before I’m approached. I turn to face the woman and force a smile. “Can I help you?”

  She smirks. “I’m hoping I can help you, baby.”

  “I’m not paying,” I grunt, turning back to my drink.

  She comes up behind me, placing her hands on my shoulders, and whispers in my ear, “You get me off, you don’t have to.”

  Snorting, I toss the cash for my drinks on the bar, then take her by the hand and drag her behind me to the bathrooms. I slam into the men’s room and lock the door behind us. I turn her to face away from me and press her body up against the door.

  “Don’t speak,” I growl, then pull up the tight dress she has on. “This is going to be hard.”

  Her ass pushes against me, rubbing against my dick. It hardens in response. Unzipping my jeans to free it, I reach into my pocket for a condom. I might be horny and ready to plough into her, but I’m not stupid. I roll it over myself and pull her thong to the side, slamming myself into her. She cries out, her nails scratching against the wood of the door. I reach around her and circle her clit with my finger as I continue to push into her. I can feel her getting closer, can hear her breathing get harsher. It’s forcing an orgasm from her before she’s had time to warm up to it, and I don’t fucking care. I shut her out and focus on the feel of her pussy clamping around my dick. When she climaxes, I remove my finger so that my hands can grip both her hips, and pump harder, bringing myself over.

  I pull out of her when my breathing regulates and pull her dress back down. Tossing the condom into the trash I turn to her, fighting a laugh when I see her leaning on the sink like she’d fall without it.

  “Thank you,” I say, remembering my manners.

  She smiles lazily, “No, Big Guy, thank you.”

  I leave her there and head out, walking straight past the bar and out the doors. From the looks they were giving me, they knew perfectly well what just happened. Luckily, it's not the kind of place that really gives a shit and they’ll never bring it up in conversation.

  With my mind finally numb, I head home for a shower.

  Layton

  “Babes! Can you take Pole Three tonight, hon? I don’t want to feed the newbie to the wolves just yet and McKenna isn’t here.”

  I force a tight smile at Cassie. “Sure.”

  She offers me a grateful look and then dashes off to get the new girl ready. Cassie is like everyone’s mom. She’s been here longer than the rest of us and is the one called on to make sure we’re all ready to go on time and know exactly what we’re doing. She’s also the only one of us that has ever met Mr. Michaels. Apparently, she was the first girl he had here, and now she helps bring others in with Vinny. They have some weird on-again-off-again thing going on, but I stay out of it. It’s not my business, and hopefully never will be.

  Cassie is the only one of us without a stage name, and she only dances in the day when there’s no one else available. She retired from the pole a while back and spends her time training. She’s here all day and night and I think she’s possibly the only person in the world that works more than I do.

  I turn my attention back to the mirror and continue to apply my stage makeup. I’d never normally wear this much, but Liquid demands it. They like their girls to be made up like dolls with all imperfections hidden under as much face paint as possible. The brighter the make-up, the better. Which is why I’m currently layering ruby-red lipstick on my lips, hence my stage name. Outside of the club, I’d never be seen dead in this shit.

  When I’m done with my face, I pull my hair out of the rollers and let the long curls bounce down and over my shoulders. I run my fingers through it, to separate them a little, and then stand ready for Cassie’s bullshit inspection. I can hear her heels clicking back in this direction. While I wait for her, I check my outfit is all perfect in the long mirror, well what there is of it anyway. Black lace bra; red tartan skirt; a lace thong underneath, attached to the suspenders holding stockings up to mid-thigh. On my feet I have the standard ankle-breaking stilettos that the job insists on. I frown down at them, already feeling the blisters. No matter how many times I do this, I never get used to the pain of these shoes.

  “Lay, you ready?” Cassie strolls over with a shy looking blonde trailing behind her. “This is Jess, or Cherry as we’re going to name her.”

  Cherry offers me a timid wave, which I return.

  “This is Layton, but you’ll have to get used to calling her Ruby around the customers. She’s one of our best,” Cassie continues. “She’s on in a minute, so you can watch her from the side and see what will be expected of you.”

  Again, I smile at her doe-like look. Girl is in way over her head here. I’m about to say something else when McKenna explodes into the dressing room, her high-pitched laugh travelling through the air.

  “Relax, bitches. I’m here now!” She calls, stumbling over to her station.

  I raise my eyebrow in Cassie’s direction. She huffs out a breath and heads over there, leaving Jess standing with me. The girl looks terrified. I take a silent breath and pull the stool out next to mine and sit down, gesturing for her to join me.

  “What did Cas say for you to do tonight?” I ask her.

  She clears her throat. “She wants me to watch the other girls first, but then I think she said something about going on Pole Five.”

  I nod, it’s probably a good idea. Pole Five is near the back where she can be seen and not touched. She won’t make a whole lot of cash there, but then there’s less chance of the horn dogs in here sniffing out new meat before she’s ready to deal with them. I tend to dance on Pole One or Two, which are on either side of the front set. The worst is Three, as it’s slap bang in the center of the club where you can be mauled at from all sides. That’s where my ass is tonight. McKenna would normally take that place as she loves the attention, but from the look of Cassie’s face as she berates her right now, I don’t think she’ll be dancing.

  I pull my attention back to Jess, frowning at her face.

  “Who did your makeup?”

  A flush stains her cheeks. “I did. Why? Is it awful?”

  I smile. “No, not at all. You just need more. The guys here,” I shake my head, “they like us to look unreal.” I reach into my makeup purse and pull out a brighter pink lipstick. “Here, use this.”

  She dabs it on enthusiastically then holds it back out to me. I shake my head. “Nah, you keep it. I could never pull it off.”

&nb
sp; “Rubes! You’re on!”

  I turn to the sound of Bez, the backstage security guy, calling me, and offer him a wave.

  “That’s me,” I say to Jess. “I’ll see you out there.”

  The exhaustion is incredibly real right now. Everything that could ache, does ache. I sigh as I place my foot on the first step that leads up to my apartment. A small, whiny part of me wants to give up and sleep here, forgetting the other seventy-four steps. But the desire to sleep in my own bed completely overcomes the desire to catch some weird disease by sleeping out here.

  I begin the climb, slowly trudging my way up. I stop dead at the top.

  The universe is clearly trying to torture me.

  I feel like it’s placed possibly the hottest guy on the planet, topless, right in front of me just to punish me.

  Why?

  Was moving him in next door not enough?

  I force my eyes away and take the last step, an involuntary sigh of relief escaping me. Kane turns to face me, lowering the bottle of water he was just drinking from.

  “What are you doing here?” He asks, his eyes travelling down the length of my body.

  I arch my brow, too tired to stop the sarcasm. “I live here and could ask you the same thing.”

  I ignore his question and head to my door, pushing the key in and smiling inside when it opens without any bitching. There’s a first time for everything. I guess even my apartment is feeling sorry for me tonight. After fixing the AC and the window, Kane and his friend went on to tell me that the door was a lost cause and I need a whole new one. Perfect. He wouldn’t accept my thanks for the help and declared he only did it so that his AC would work, otherwise he wouldn’t have bothered. Charming.