Even at Your Darkest Read online

  Work hard, stay quiet, pay bills, and repeat.

  My life is barely a full sentence, but there is no friction in it. It’s simple, manageable, and tidy. So, no, I’m not fine, not by a long shot. But I’m alive and I’m living for myself. My ankle chooses that exact moment to send a wave of fresh pain radiating up my leg, reminding me of just how hopeless my life is. It’s been giving me hell all day. I should have punched that guy right in the damn face for the part he played in this, but what would that achieve? Knowing my luck, the fucker is some MMA champ/serial killer and would eat me for breakfast. He definitely looked the part, all big and mean. I shake thoughts of him off and focus back on Karl.

  “Yeah, I’m fine,” I reply finally. “I was just taking my break.”

  Karl nods, knowing perfectly well that I’m lying through my ass but not caring enough to probe for more. “Okay, well I need you to come in tomorrow, but just for four hours. Can you do twelve until four?”

  I sigh. I was looking forward to having tomorrow off from the store, but I guess life isn’t done messing with me today. Besides, more hours mean more money, and I am not a position to turn down the extra cash.

  “Yeah, no problem.”

  I walk away and back out to the store and lean against Jackson at the counter. He smiles wide at me and throws his arm over my shoulders, pulling me closer.

  “What’s up, chicken?”

  I snort. “My life. What’s new?”

  “Was that Vinny?”

  I told Jackson about my second job a while back, not really having a choice considering he was planning to go there for his brother’s bachelor party. Luckily, he prefers men over women and so seeing my tits wasn’t going to be a problem for us.

  “Yep. I’m working tonight,” I lean my arm down and rub at my ankle. “Which I could do without because I fell on my ass this morning.”

  Jackson laughs. “No, you didn’t.”

  “Oh, yes. Yes, I did.”

  I tell him about the incident this morning and try to remember why I don’t hate him when he laughs his ass off at me. I mean, to other people, it probably is amusing. My whole fucking life is a rolling joke. I change the subject to him and ask about the guy he went out with last night. For a guy, Jackson is a bit of a slut. He’s like the male version of McKenna, without the drugs. He’d never do something like that. Jackson is completely committed to a healthy lifestyle. He’s actually the reason I’m still in shape, dragging me with him on his runs and to yoga class. As I make my living based on how I look, it’s probably a good thing.

  At the end of my shift, I head out back to grab my jacket and purse from the staff room. When I get outside, Vinny has his black Audi parked up in front of the store. I limp my way over and climb into the passenger seat. He winces with me when I bang my foot.

  “You weren’t kidding about the ankle, huh?”

  I almost glare at him. “No, I wasn’t kidding. I fell this morning, and it’s been giving me grief all day.”

  Vinny chuckles. “Only you, Layton. Only you.”

  “Yeah, yeah; I’m hopeless. Have you told Sash she’s dancing tonight? I really can’t do pole with this foot.”

  Vinny nods as he maneuvers the car through the evening traffic. “I told her. She’s pissed, but I think that’s more about McKenna not showing again.”

  I nod along but keep my opinion clamped shut. Of all the guys in the club, Vinny is the best, but that doesn’t mean I trust him. He looks after us, and keeps the assholes in the audience away, but his loyalty is with Mr. Michaels. Not us. I’m very careful with the things I say to him; hell, I’m careful with what I say to everyone in that place. There have been times that girls and other staff have just ceased to exist, and no one dares to mention a thing about it. It’s because of that I keep to myself. I’m polite, but quiet. My aim in life is to ruffle zero feathers and bring absolutely no attention to myself. Except for when I’m on stage. Then, it’s all about getting as much attention as possible because my aim becomes the green paper notes that keep a roof over my head. I’m not the best girl we have, that’s Sasha, but I make enough to keep me afloat.

  “I don’t even know where she is this time,” Vin continues, pulling me back from my head. “Normally, she’ll at least send a text or something, but I’ve heard nada.”

  “What time was she due in?” I ask. “Maybe she’s sick?”

  He offers me a skeptical glance. “She should have been in at two, ready for happy hour. I can’t get her on her cell or landline. Shiv said he saw her downtown at Nova last night. Apparently, she was fucked up.”

  This is no surprise. McKenna gets herself fucked up most nights now. Her whole family are insane. We weren’t close in high school, but I knew her. Everyone did. She’s from the wealthier circles of Louisiana, whereas I’m only about a step up from trailer trash. I was pretty shocked when she stopped me back home and told me about the job. I didn’t think she’d even recognize me. She was practically a princess in our hometown, with the overbearing older brother to match. Though something was always a little off with them all. It was almost like everyone was terrified of her dad, and McKenna and her brother reveled in it. She always has liked being right in the center of the attention. Lord knows how she ended up in White Caps. I asked her once, and her only reply had been, “It’s where I’m meant to be.” She always says things like that. Calls everyone my darling and talks a lot about destiny and fate. That’s how she ended up with the stage name Destiny. It seemed fitting.

  “I guess she’s probably overslept,” I offer, knowing I’m being far too nice. I should be pissed. Because of her, I’m working again when I should be off. Because of her, my already shitty day is about to get worse. Because of her, I’m about to get hit on by a bunch of suit-wearing assholes who think because they have a job that society accepts, it’s acceptable to be a creep. I get to shake my ass in their faces whilst they store it for their spank-bank and throw their small change at me. After, they’ll go home to their perfect two-point-four families and forget about the girl counting out her rent in ten-dollar bills.

  “Yeah, we’ll see,” Vinny muses as we pull into the lot at the back of the club. “If need be, we can call one of the day girls in. I’m sure Lola won’t mind the extra cash.”

  I sigh internally. Time to work.

  Again.

  Kane

  “Hey, kid. How’s it going?”

  I offer a stiff nod to Colin and then follow him inside.

  Colin is an old friend of my dad’s, and I use the term “dad” with the loosest of meanings because that jackass is anything but. Colin, though, he’s all right. He had an old warehouse going empty, so a couple of weeks ago I bought it on a whim and decided to move. I’ve been wanting to open my own auto shop since I left high school, but life and unexpected obstacles got in the way. It was always something I was supposed to do with Tommy. I was gonna mess with engines, and he was going to look after the bodywork. We had it all planned out from being seven years old, but shit happens. Deep, dark, and unavoidable shit happens, and there’s fuck all, I or anyone else, can do about it.

  Now though, it’s time to let go of a stupid childhood dream and get shit done for myself. I already have a couple of people lined up who want me to work on their cars, so with any luck I won’t tank. I can’t. This is my last chance to make something of myself. I need to be more than the person I was forced to be by the one person who was always supposed to have my back.

  Just like that, the memories and familiar ache that come with thinking about my brother crawl up my spine and lodge in my throat. It spreads, poisoning every organ and cell inside my body. It takes a couple of hard swallows, but I manage to force it back down. Switch it off, Thatch, I tell myself, the same way I have for almost three years.

  “So, you think this will suit ya?”

  I look around the space, and nod. It’s huge, completely empty, and perfect for what I need it to do. Sure, it needs a deep fucking clean, and then some stuff puttin
g on the walls to make it less depressing. The windows could do with re-glassing and I should probably get a sign made for outside, but the hydraulic lift already installed is what sold me on the place. That, and the small store area at the side with its own entrance. I catalog all the work to be done in my head as I glance around me. I walk over to the entrance again, looking up at the rolled-up shutter.

  “Looks good,” I reply. “This does lock, right?”

  Colin nods and comes over to join me. “Yeah, you just pull it down, and then there’s a key lock on the front. I only had that installed a couple of months back to keep the kids out,” he sighs. “Little fuckers are just bored, but you gotta protect your own shit, right?”

  I almost laugh. Back when Tommy and I were kids, we were always breaking into warehouses and junkyards. They were like these magical places full of adventure back then. He was always the one dragging me around, pushing limits, and making Ma crazy. Tommy was the complete embodiment of living. He lived his life to the full, completely fearless right until the end. Fucking idiot lived a little too fully and ruined everything. He turned everything to shit, including me, and letting go of that hate for him is damn near impossible. Which is fucked up because he is dead. Even so, I’ll never forgive him for what he did, and I hope the fucker is rotting in his shame.

  “Yeah, yeah,” I respond, pushing down my feelings. “Are you good with me bringing my shit in here tomorrow? I wanna have the place cleaned up and open soon as.”

  “That soon?” He says on a low whistle. “You don’t mess around, do ya?”

  I shrug. “There’s no point waiting about. I got pretty much everything I need to open and fuck all else to do every day until then. Besides, I need to get an electrician and a plumber in here as soon as possible.”

  “About that. I was wondering if you could give the kid a shot? He’s an electrician now; just set up his own business, but it’s slow you know? He’s good. He did all the wiring at my place, and I haven’t had a single problem with it,” he scratches at the back of his neck as I watch him. “I can get you a better deal than you’d get anywhere else.”

  He looks nervous now, which isn’t an emotion I’d usually associate with Colin. He’s always been in my life, one way or another, and is as solid as they come. As a kid, he ran a builder’s yard with my dad. He bought Dad out when I was a teen but would still let me go over to the makeshift junkyard he had out back and tinker with the engines. When Dad left us with Tommy in tow, Colin stepped up for my family. He’d come over and make sure Ma was okay, make sure we were eating right and getting by. I knew then he had something going for my mom, but I couldn’t get the idea of Dad coming back out of my head. For a long time, I resented Colin for that, but now I wish I’d been more accepting. He could have made Ma happy, and if anyone deserves to be happy it’s her.

  Colin’s wife died when their son, Nolan, was only about two years old. He raised him the rest of the way by himself, never remarrying or anything. Nolan is a couple of years younger than me, at twenty-four, but we used to hang out back when we were kids. I haven’t seen him since Tommy died. I haven’t really seen anyone since then.

  “Sure. Drop Nolan my cell number and tell him to give me a call.”

  Colin smiles. “Thanks, Kane,” he takes an obvious deep breath. “So, uh, how’s Lori?”

  “She’s okay,” I answer, thinking of my mom. “You know how she gets. She’s called me four times today already.”

  “Sounds like your ma,” he laughs.

  “She’s just lonely. You should go see her, soon.”

  “Yeah?” He asks, then when I nod, he answers with, “I might just do that.”

  And just like that, it’s done. His silent asking for permission, and my silent giving of my blessing. Nothing more needs to be said on the matter. He already knows I’ll slit his throat if he hurts her.

  I spend the next couple of hours with Colin going over the plans for the shop. Cars have never been something he’s been into, he left that for me, Tommy, and Nolan, but I could use his knowledge on building it up as a business. When the tiredness begins to creep in, we part ways and I head back to my new apartment. I’d just thrown my boxes in there this morning, then left in a hurry. So I know I have all that shit waiting for me when I get back, which doesn’t exactly fill me with joy, but it gives me something to do when the insomnia hits hard.

  I hit up a fast food joint on my drive home, then call Mom on my way up the stairs. She answers on the first ring as though she’s been sitting by the phone waiting. Knowing her the way I do, I doubt I’m too far from the truth.

  “Hey, Ma,” I say, hoping I get the warm, calm version of her today.

  “Kane Anthony Thatcher,” she scolds. Damn it. “What the hell time do you call this? I’ve been sitting here imagining all sorts of things happening to you.”

  “Ma,” I groan. “I’ve just been down at the shop with Colin working on the plans. Quit your worrying, woman.”

  “Are you sassing me?”

  Despite her tone, I grin as I fish my apartment keys from my pocket. “Would I?”

  “Uh huh,” she sighs. “Tell me about the new place? You meet your neighbors yet?”

  I glance over my shoulder at the only other apartment on my floor, which is the top floor of the building. Their door is directly opposite mine, with the top of the stairs in between. I’m on the left of the stairs, they’re on the right. I haven’t seen who lives there yet, but then I’ve not really been home all day. The only person I have seen is the brunette from the lobby this morning. Guilt tries to crawl through me for being the reason she fell, but I squash it. Guilt doesn’t fix anything… or change it. I wanted to apologize to her straightaway, but then that would make her think I was open to conversation and that I was a decent guy to be around. I’m not, and she should have damn well been looking where she was going. But, saying that, her big blue eyes did have me rooted to that spot for longer than I expected. There was something hiding behind them, something more than the color. It called to me like I'd seen in those chick flicks women had dragged my reluctant ass to, but I’d squashed it down and moved on. It’s for the best, despite the way I want to see those big blues roll to the back of her head as I fuck her into oblivion.

  “Nah,” I reply, after pushing my door open. “But I haven’t been home, have I?”

  She tuts. “How would I know where you’ve been? What with you being so far away now.”

  “I’m only in White Caps, it’s less than an hour away. I’ll be over Tuesday for dinner.”

  She sighs. “Okay, okay. I know I’m being ridiculous, but I worry. Have you got everything you need?”

  I look around the small apartment and fight back a snort. It’s simple, and most of the shit in here is done for, but it’s cheap and the perfect place for me to disappear. “Yeah, I’m all good.”

  “All right, Son. I’ll leave you to get settled. Try not to have your mean face on all the time. Not everyone is the enemy. Love you.”

  “Yeah, you too. Later, Ma.”

  Hanging up the call, I breathe a sigh of relief. I love my mom but listening to her rattling on about my lack of communication is headache inducing. I know she’s hurt that I left, but it’s time I did some things for me. I have been suffocating from a past better forgotten for almost three years. Something had to give, so I left before I dragged her down with me. She was killing herself by trying to keep me up. It’s time I looked after her, not the other way around. I’m a fucking grown ass man.

  I look around my new place again, boxes piled everywhere. First thing I’m gonna do for myself is get all my shit put away and put a call in to the plumber Colin recommended to get that ball rolling. He’s already arranged for Nolan to meet me at the shop in the morning.

  I head over to the fridge and pull out a bottle of water, then I lean back against the counter as I take a cool sip and assess the damage. Even when all my things are put away, I still have a way to go with getting this place sorted. The
furniture in here is practically falling apart, and there is definitely an issue with the AC. I can hear it rattling about. Still, it’s something else I can distract myself with, and I need all the distraction I can get. I finish the rest of my water and head into the mass of boxes. This shit isn’t gonna do itself.

  I don’t know how long I’m working at it, but it’s dark when I finally flatten the last cardboard box. All my things are officially in their new home and thank fuck for that. I’m shattered. Who knew moving was this difficult? I slump down on the navy couch, leaning back and closing my eyes. A bead of sweat drips down the side of my head, but I ignore it. I’m in Texas. It’s useless to try to fight the heat. Instead, I let myself drift off.

  A series of grunts and bangs wake me sometime later. I jump from where I’d fallen asleep on the couch and check the time on the oven clock; it’s almost five in the damn morning. Another loud bang has me staring at the door to the apartment. Whatever is making that noise is out there. Maybe it’s my mystery neighbor. I wipe the sleep from my eyes and head over, throwing my apartment door open ready to tell them to shut the fuck up. A girl stands at the door opposite mine, her shoulders slumped as she leans her forehead against the wood. Keys hang loosely from the lock on the door. She has her back to me, so doesn’t notice me looking, but still I hang back.

  “Goddamn apartment,” she mutters, then bangs her palm flat against it. “Why me?”

  I rake my gaze over her, starting from the worn-out combat boots on her feet, up the long length of her ivory skin legs, which disappear into tiny black shorts. I drift over her peach of an ass and up past the windbreaker jacket to the tumble of messy brown hair on her head. She’s obviously just coming back from a night out and is too drunk to open her door. Great. My new neighbor is a party girl. This shit will be ending pretty fucking quickly.